singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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