My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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