He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
