Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize