life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
