You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
