My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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