Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize