i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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