remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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