He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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