Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
