I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary