a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
