You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
