Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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