I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
