Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
