Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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