I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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