Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
