Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
