If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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