Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
