Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
