Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
