i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
