and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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