It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
