why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
