i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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