tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
