he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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