I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
