Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize