God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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