I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
