He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
