you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
