So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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