It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
