My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
