A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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