So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
