so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
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Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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