How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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