my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
They are going to name an STD after you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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