He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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