this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
