Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
