They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
