I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
