they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is this like a preordered booty call?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
