don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
