Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
