We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
