Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
