I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
